______________________________________________________
{You think that I can't live without your love
You'll see,
You think I can't go on another day.
You think I have nothing
Without you by my side,
You'll see
Somehow, some way
You think that I can never laugh again
You'll see,
You think that you destroyed my faith in love.
You think after all you've done
I'll never find my way back home,
You'll see
Somehow, someday}
As I sit here and reflect, I realize I no longer feel any of the bitterness I'd experienced a few short weeks ago. That's a definite good sign. After all, it was only last month that I thought I'd never smile again.
~One month earlier +
"Come here..." he says softly, a placid expression on his face. Yet, at the same time, his demeanor seems to me to be one of nervousness, anxiety. He reaches out for my hand, pulling me over to the edge of the hotel room bed to sit beside him.
"What is it, Matt?" I ask, a small trace of a smile gracing my lips. I have no idea where this was going, so I feel a bit uncertain.
"Listen, I... I need to talk to you," he says, his dark brown eyes fixing on my hazel. There is such a seriousness in his face, I don't know what to think. And then, for a split second, I get the feeling he might actually be about to pop the question to me... Then again, if that's really the case, wouldn't he be down on one knee?
Matt raises a hand to my face, gently pushing away a strand of my long red hair. He seems to be procrastinating, and I can only take this as a bad sign, not good. Firmly but gently, I push his hand away, flinging the stubborn lock of auburn away with a tilt of my head.
"Come on, you're scaring me... Spit it out."
"Okay..." Then, after a second's hesitation, "Lita, I think we should take a break..."
I stare at him in shock, certain I must have heard him wrong.
"Wh-what?"
Matt Hardy rises from the bed and begins to slowly pace the short length of the floor before me. He runs a hand quickly through his dark hair before turning to speak again.
"We... *I* need a break - from *you*. I'm sorry, Lita... I think we should see other people."
His statement about a break is bad enough, but the line about seeing other people just cuts me to the quick. It hurts just hearing him speak such words, stings like nothing ever has before.
"'See other people'?" I echo as I stand up from the bed and come closer to him. By now, I'm starting to get angry. However, that may be due to the fact that I've noticed him with Torrie Wilson a few times before. I always *did* think the trampy platinum blonde had a thing for Matt, that she seemed to try to get as close to him as possible. "'Other people' wouldn't happen to be *Torrie*, would they?!"
Matt's gaze averts mine as he lowers his head as though in shame. So, it's true... His inability to meet my eyes, his body language, say it all.
"I'm so sorry, Li... I just need a break for awhile, that's all." His voice suddenly takes on an almost pleading quality, and it strikes a nerve in me. That's it, I've had enough.
The man I thought of as my boyfriend follows me to the door, where I've kept my suitcase. Quickly, I start to gather up all of my belongings, for I can't stay here for another minute longer. There's no question about it - I'm getting out.
"Lita, talk to me... please?"
"Go straight to *hell*, Matthew!" I finally shout, my eyes full of fire as I glare daggers into him. "You have got one hell of a nerve!" I zipper my bag and then tug on it on my way out. Luckily, we were leaving this place in a few hours, so all my toiletries are already packed. "You want a break? I'll *give* you the *ultimate* break-" Memories of him hurting me, dumping me not once, but *twice* on national television flit through my mind, and I don't hesitate for a second because of them. "-We are finished!"
A look somewhat akin to alarm comes to his features.
"What?"
"Oh, you heard me... Goodbye, Matt!" Then, before he can utter another syllable, I storm to the door, the tears building behind my eyelids as I yank it open and escape to the hallway. I rush down the hall to the room of one of my best friends. Trish won't mind it if I crash in her room for the rest of the leg of this trip.~
{All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive,
All on my own
I don't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see
You think that you are strong, but you are weak
You'll see,
It takes more strength to cry, admit defeat.
I have truth on my side,
You only have deceit
You'll see, somehow, someday}
Now, as I sit here alone on a bench in the small, pretty park across the street from the arena, I recall the rest of that night. It was pretty bleak. I'd gone to Trish's hotel room, where she, Victoria and Stacy had been hanging out and having a girls' night full of cheesy B-movies on cable and pizza. I hadn't meant to ruin their party, and although they all insisted I hadn't, I know otherwise. I'd cried for hours that night, cried out all my pain and anguish over Matt Hardy. But in the end, I realized that he wasn't worth my tears. There's one thing I've said to Trish dozens of times - that it was my own damn fault for taking Matt back after all the shit he's put me through over the years. He's a jerk... And once a jerk, *always* a jerk. Trish, being the sweet best friend she is, merely shrugged it off as me being too nice a person, one to always offer my trust freely.
Back to the present... Over the last month or so, I've come to realize one thing... I don't *need* Matt. I don't need *any* man. I'm a strong woman, always have been. I don't need a man validating my feelings, or telling me how great or how beautiful I am. I know what a great person I am, and my self-esteem is not worth being with someone who hurts me. Someday, whenever that may be, I'll find someone else - someone who loves, respects and cherishes me for *me*... Someone who will want to spend time with me and not demand a break. But until then, this fiery redhead will be just fine on her own...
{All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive,
I'll stand on my own
I won't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see
You'll see, you'll see
You'll see, mmmm, mmmm}
++ End ++