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Guilt
Guilt... It was my constant companion. Oddly, I had thought that the more time passed since my affair with Edge, the less guilt I would feel. However, the opposite was definitely proving to be the case.
One day, when I was spending a lazy afternoon in with Jeff, the phone rang. I expected it to be one of the girls, so I didn't hesitate to answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello... Amy, I need to see you."
I froze, my feet feeling as though they were superglued to the floor. It was Edge. I glanced over at Jeff, who was working on my kitchen cabinets at the moment. I couldn't even find my breath, let alone my voice.
"Amy? Are you there?" Edge asked.
"Yeah... I'm here. Sorry," I managed. "How are you?"
I could hear him sigh on the other end.
"I've been better," he admitted. "I was wondering if... Well, if we could meet for lunch or something."
My head was suddenly spinning. This couldn't be happening. I loved Jeff, I did... And I had no intention of cheating on him again - not with Edge or anyone else.
"'Or something?'"
"I didn't mean it like that," he clarified. "Please? I need to talk, and you... You're the only one I could really talk to."
"Hmm..." I glanced back toward Jeff in my kitchen again. His back was toward me, and he was humming along to Pearl Jam on a small portable CD player.
"Well, I've already had lunch," I mumbled. That was actually a lie, and I hoped Edge wouldn't hear my growling stomach give me away through the phone wires.
"Please?" my ex-boyfriend asked.
My heart felt a twinge at his tone. He really did sound desperate, and in need of a friend.
I ran a quick hand through my hair, contemplating how I would get out of the apartment without arousing suspicion from Jeff. And then, I thought of how Candice would probably smack me for even entertaining the idea of meeting Edge.
"Okay," I replied. "Give me about twenty minutes. Meet me at Mom's On Park Avenue. You know, it's just around the corner from me."
"Right... Thank you, Amy."
A moment later, I was rooted in the spot on which I was standing, trying to piece together a whole conversation. Then, I gathered my wits and got moving.
"Jeff?" I called as I moved through the apartment. "I'm going out for awhile, okay?"
My boyfriend turned and glanced my way.
"Where ya goin'?"
"Oh," I began," quickly coming up with something, "Candice wanted to meet up for a quick bite. She's got a problem and needs to talk to me about it."
"Oh... Want me to come with?" Jeff asked. "I can finish this later."
"No, it's okay... I'll be back before you know it, anyway. Promise."
"Okay. I'll see you in a bit, then." He stepped closer to press a quick kiss on my lips.
I felt even more guilty as I left my apartment. How many more lies was I going to tell him?
*
It felt strange to be entering Mom's On Park Avenue and not meeting up with the girls. I saw Edge seated at a booth over in a far corner and hurried over.
"Hi," he said with a smile, and he appeared surprised. Maybe he really hadn't expected me to show up.
"Hey," I replied, offering him a small smile. I flipped quickly through the menu on my side of the table. "So..."
"So..." Edge echoed me. "Good to see you." He gazed me over. "You look great."
"Thanks. So, what's this all about?" I asked, cutting to the chase. The truth was, in spite of seeing him in the flesh again, I felt a little uneasy being here.
"Well..." he began. "First of all, I want to apologize for how things went with us." He cast his green eyes down but raised them to meet my gaze steadily as he continued. "And I... Well, the truth is, I miss you, Amy."
My heart pretty much skipped a beat. I couldn't go through this again... I felt as though I were stuck in the middle of an impossible dream.
"I really would like for us to start over," Edge said. "I'd like for us to be friends."
I looked right into his eyes and started feeling as though a weight were coming up and off my shoulders. Just looking at him, I could see that he was being sincere.
"Is that it?" I questioned. "You want to be friends? Nothing more?"
Edge chuckled.
"Amy, I know you're still with that boyfriend of yours... I wouldn't try any funny business so long as you're with someone."
"Oh... Wow," I breathed. I felt actually quite relieved. "Okay, I'm willing to be friends. Real friends." I nodded, smiling up at the waitess who suddenly appeared to take our orders.
*
A couple of hours later, I returned to my apartment and Jeff. Guilt flooded right back to me in droves as he greeted me at the door with a smile.
"Hey, you," he said, stooping over to kiss me. "I was beginning to wonder if you'd run off and left me."
"What? No, I would never-"
"Amy... It was a joke," he replied with a chuckle. "Gosh, where'd your sense of humor go?" He put an arm around me as he steered me into the apartment. "How's Candice doing?"
The question nearly threw me for a loop, but thankfully I recalled what I'd told him earlier.
"She's good - now... Some good old-fashioned girl talk did the trick," I said. I was glad Jeff couldn't see my face at that moment. I felt awful lying to him.
"Good," he said. He stopped abruptly and stood behind me, covering my eyes with one hand. Then, with the other on my shoulder, he guided me on. When we reached the kitchen he removed his hand. "Ta da!"
I found myself staring at my newly done, beautiful cabinets. Jeff had done everything over in a solid dark oak.
"My God," I breathed, a small smile coming to my face. "It's perfect!"
"All for you, lady." He winked at me.
"Thank you so much, Jeff!" I was overwhelmed by the work he'd done. And the truth was, I didn't deserve it. I turned to fully face him, and I knew now was the time... Now was the time to confess the truth.
"Jeff, I... I have something to tell you."
"You can tell me anything," he said softly, his gaze gentle as he reached a hand up to caress my cheek.
"I..." I gazed up into his kind, trusting eyes, and I couldn't do it. I knew he would never again look at me in the way he was now if I did - and I didn't think I could handle it.
"I love you." There - it was a cop-out, but at least it was true.
"I love you, too." Jeff gathered me in his arms and kissed me. I reciprocated immediately, and the guilt was still there, ever my constant companion.