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Guilt and Regret
For weeks after the big blowup with me, Edge and Barbie, I was plagued... Plagued by guilt, with regret coursing through me. Although I had never, ever liked her, I actually did feel badly for what had happened with my ex-boyfriend's young wife.
However, even greater than that, I felt absolutely horrible for what I had done to Jeff. My own boyfriend didn't know a thing about my affair, that I had cheated on him for months with my ex. There were times when I found myself unable to even look him in the eye. Guilt... It was a most powerful emotion.
One morning, at breakfast with the girls at Mom's On Park Avenue, is when I found out. Trish had brought the morning paper on her way over, and she made a small exclamation of surprise.
"Oh, my!" she cried. Her brown eyes were slightly wide, her mouth open in a small 'O.'
"What is it?" Lisa Marie asked, curiosity plain on her face.
Trish closed the paper quickly, but her index finger was still marking the page. Her gaze darted toward me, then away in a hurry, and she shut her mouth. Had I been looking anywhere else but at her, I probably wouldn't have been any the wiser.
I eyed her impatiently.
"Well? Come on, answer her question," I prodded my friend. "What is it?" I reached over and across the table for the newspaper in the blonde's hands.
Candice gave Trish a knowing look, already sensing what was in that particular page of the Times.
Lisa Marie craned her neck to get a better glance as I pulled the paper away from Trish. My other brunette friend didn't even bother looking, as though she already knew. I stared at the paper and saw a picture of none other than Edge and Barbie - soon to be divorced. Apparently, she had filed two weeks earlier, citing infidelity and irreconcilable differences as the reasons behind it.
"Oh... wow," I breathed. Part of me felt extremely sad. Here was yet more guilt on my already full plate.
"Oh, honey... People get divorced all the time. Don't beat yourself up over this."
I rose my gaze to meet Lisa's brown eyes and shook my head.
"How can you be so casual about this?" I asked her. "Their marriage is ending because of me!"
"You don't know that, Amy," Candice jumped in. She placed a consoling hand on my arm. "For all you know, there might have been others."
"No... There were no others!" I exclaimed, and I was angry. I didn't know why, either. "He spent all his free time with me, so... Uh uh - no others!" I felt badly as soon as I snapped at my friend and bowed my head into my hands. Again, I felt Candice's hand on me, this time gently stroking my upper back.
Trish exchanged glances with Lisa Marie, worried.
"Amy," she said in a gentle voice, "you can't solely blame yourself... He's the one who had an affair when he was married."
I raised my hand and eyed each one of my friends in turn. It was difficult, perhaps one of the hardest things for me to do in awhile. And that was not a good feeling, to find it a chore to look my three best friends in the eye.
"I know... I know you're right." I audibly sighed, feeling miserable. "I just feel... so awful."
"Honey, stop beating yourself up," Lisa said. "Divorce was bound to happen for those two - it was inevitable."
I shook my head and said, "It's not only that... I... I feel so wracked with guilt whenever I'm with Jeff." I closed my eyes tightly. "I have to tell him." There, I'd said it.
"No... No, don't do it," Candice was the first to say.
"Hell no!" Lisa Marie agreed emphatically. "It's over, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him."
I swung my gaze over to Trish, who had been silent on this particular topic thus far. She seemed deep in thought, her dark eyes downcast. She looked up as she knew I was staring at her, and our eyes met.
"Well?" I asked her. "What do you think, Trish? Should I tell Jeff?"
The blonde opened her mouth to speak, but instead of actual words, stuttering came in response. She shook her head.
"Okay... The truth is, Amy," she began, finally rediscovering her speech. She eyed me directly, squarely, and was no longer stuttering. "I think you should tell him."
As I took that in, Lisa Marie and Candice simultaneously groaned.
"I know it'll be difficult," Trish went on, her gaze still on me as she reached for my arm. "And I know it's cliche, but honesty truly is the best policy."
"Honey, come on!" Lisa cried. "Don't be a goody two shoes about something like this!"
Candice chimed in again.
"I wouldn't put it the same way Lisa did, but I have to agree with her." She met my eyes, her own full of concern. "Amy, think long and hard about this."
Confusion swept through me briefly as I stared into her brown eyes.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, Candice... but weren't you the one telling me I should tell Jeff? Is that not what you said when I first told you about the affair?" My tone was almost challenging.
She nodded almost imperceptively.
"It is," she agreed. "But that was when it was only a week old. Amy, if you tell Jeff now, you're sure to lose him." Candice paused, and then, "Is that what you want?"
I bowed my head, staring at my plate for a long stretch before raising my gaze back to meet my friend's eyes.
"No," I said softly, sadness gripping me, "but Trish is right - I have to tell him." I swallowed hard, eyeing
each of my best friends alternately, trying to draw strength from them. "And if I lose him in the process, then I guess
I got what I deserved."