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Difficult Choices
I was quiet as I eyed Edge over dinner the next night. We were at a small Chinese restaurant in my neighborhood, and were planning on going back to my place afterward. Earlier in the evening, we'd seen a movie at a nearby theater.
It was the least I had ever spoken to him, even when we had our occasional fights. I just couldn't rid my mind of the discussion I'd had with Candice... Everything she'd said made perfect sense. And that was because she was right.
"Hey, kid..."
My boyfriend's voice brought me back. My attention was on him in a flash.
"... What's wrong?" Edge asked, a look of concern on his face as he picked up a few noodles with his chopsticks. He directed the food into his mouth but kept his gaze on me.
"Nothing," I liked. I forced a very nerous smkile at him, but I still couldn't shake all the uneasy emotions plaguing my mind. Candice was right... And while she wasn't the type of girl who relished having a man go all out for her, who would want to spend every or nearly every moment with her, I was. I just didn't feel it with Edge, though... Not when he had such quirks as having to be asked to spend the entire night... not when he hated keeping anything of his at my place, and not when he was so averse to me keeping stuff of my own at his. It tore me apart... because I really was in love with the guy.
He studied me for a long moment as he continued eating his lo mein. Finally, he spoke again.
"You sure?"
"Yeah," I replied, again forcing a smile. I averted my eyes from his view, focusing on the rice dish in front of me instead. I had to do it, tell him, but now was neither the time nor the place.
I wolfed down as much of my food as I could manage. I suppose it was just a childish and stupid tactic to prolong the inevitable. But in my head, I kept recalling what Candice had said to me.
Follow your head instead of your heart.
I sensed that Edge knew something was coming. After dinner, we strolled back to my apartment a few blocks away. For five or so minutes, we were both silent, and everything just whirled through my head. I just couldn't act normal or casual when I knew what was coming when we arrived at my place.
"So... It's really a beautiful night, isn't it?" the blond man asked beside me.
I turned to eye him and saw that his gaze was trained on the gorgeous black, starry sky above. He reached over for me, putting an arm around me. I stiffened... I couldn't help it. And I was sure it didn't go unnoticed by him.
In minutes, we were at my apartment. I suddenly stopped at the bottom of the stairs, a spot that we had spent many poignant moments over the course of our relationship. We'd had our first kiss right here. I felt a twinge at remembering it. Things had seemed so great, so fresh, new and exciting, full of promises and pleasant thoughts of the future - of our future together.
"Amy?" he said, looking at me. "Are we going inside?"
"Yeah... In a minute," I replied absently. I kept my face turned slightly away from him, my right hand caressing the newel post of the old banister of the stairs. I needed to get some vital information, and I needed it now.
Swallowing hard, I raised my head and met his green eyes. I couldn't help but notice the strange look he was giving me. "Edge... I have to ask you a question... and I want you to give me an honest answer."
He blinked and said, "Okay."
I eyed him squarely and cocked my head a slight angle.
"Do you really want to stay with me at my place all night?"
He frowned.
"Of course I want to stay with you all night."
"No... You're not answering the question I just asked." When he gave me an extra perplexed look in response, I went on. "I know you have no problems spending an entire night at your place... but what about here? At mine?"
"Oh." A look of recognition crossed his features, and he raked a hand through his shoulder-length blond curls. "Well... If it's an honest answer you want," he said, "then no. "I'm sorry, Amy, but I would much rather be home."
I stared at him, actually surprised there were no tears in my eyes yet. I knew he loved me. I didn't doubt that... But he still wasn't comfortable at my apartment, not even after being in a relationship for nearly two years. It cut me to the bone.
"Well," I said uneasily, "what if one day we... we were to get married? How would you adapt if we lived at my place or got a new place?" My head was bowed, but as I reached the end of my question, I raised my gaze so that it was trained once again on his. We had ever so briefly discussed marriage. It seemed a touchy subject with Edge, so we normally avoided it. He'd told me early on that he'd been married once, several years back, but got divorced after only two years.
"Amy," he said, "I... I don't think I even want to get married again." He shook his head slowly, his expression sad. He shrugged before shoving his hands into his pockets. Clearly, this conversation was just as awkward for him as it was for me.
His admission hurt... It hurt a lot more than him not wanting to stay all night at my apartment, or not wanting me to keep something of mine at his place. And I knew how I wanted and needed things to be in a relationship.
With tears now in my eyes, I faced him squarely and took a breath before saying the words.
"Well, then... I can't do this anymore." I shook my head, ignoring the single tear that made its way down my cheek. "I need someone who wants the same things I want... and I do want to get married someday."
He stared at me, speechless for the time being. Then, "Amy, I love you."
"I know. And I love you, too, but it's not enough." I took another breath, refusing to give way for the sob I felt building up. "I think you should go."
Edge's face looked sadder than ever, and although he opened his mouth to seemingly protest, he didn't. He merely watched in silence as I turned and climbed the stairs up to my apartment.
I didn't turn back. But once in my place, I stood hidden by one window and peered out at him through my tears. He
hadn't moved a muscle. However, after another moment or so, he finally turned away and walked down my block... and
what I believed to be also out of my life.