September 2007
Crying... She was actually crying as she worked methodically. She hadn't actually expected to shed any tears in spite of the guilt... the guilt she felt over what she was doing. She had to be the most horrible person in the world for doing this, for even contemplating it.
The woman finished with her document and printed it. She had to include the most vital details of their lives. He had every right to know, after all. She wondered if he would hate her if he were to figure it all out. She sincerely hoped not... What she was about to do was bad enough, but she really wasn't sure if she could live with herself if he ever grew to hate her.
Choking back a sob, she folded the note in three and slipped it into one of the tiny blankets. Everything seemed in place and they looked comfortable, peaceful. She was relieved for that, at least.
She had seen him recently, at a live show... Not face-to-face, but in the flesh nonetheless. She wished she could have faced him and at least said hello, possibly gotten and given a hug, but no dice. She'd been keeping herself anonymous from him and that part of her life for nearly a year. What right did she have to traipse back in and disrupt whatever he had going on in his life?
It broke her heart. She realized she had probably made a huge mistake in ever leaving in the first place. That world had been her biggest passion for so long. She'd lived and breathed it, and even broke her damn neck and tore out nearly everything in her knee for it. How could she have ever walked away?
And as far as he went, she had loved him for as long as she could remember. Though they'd started as friends and she'd had a boyfriend, she had easily fallen in love with him. Of course, it had been a secret up until it was too late, and too late to stop what they had started on that cold early December evening. She had actually felt quite shocked when he'd confessed he was in love with her. He'd been married, after all, and only for a month and a week at that point... But he'd only known his wife for about six months total. She'd known he was making a huge mistake in marrying her. Yet, at the same time, she knew that a big part of why she'd felt so cold and unwelcoming toward the woman was because she loved him herself...
She should have seen it coming.
The woman sighed. She picked up the bundles she had all ready and carried them, one in each hand, to her car. She knew she was a fool and the ultimate coward, but she simply couldn't deal any longer. If she didn't know better, she could swear she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
It wasn't really that far of a drive, thanks to the state in which he lived being the next over. She knew his schedule to a T and was quite confident he was home. And he would be for the next couple of days as well.
Thankfully, the three-hour ride went smoothly, and without incident. Somehow, she managed to keep from breaking into tears. Anytime she felt herself weakening, she would pace herself, remind herself that this was for the best.
And things will be so much better for them, she thought. She knew he could do so much more than she could. She was so unstable at this point, and her life seemed to be at a crossroads - and not necessarily a good one.
The woman let out a sigh of relief when she finally reached her destination. So, this was it. She glanced over her shoulder and into the backseat of the car. Could she really do it? But she had to.
As she stepped out of the driver's side and fumbled around in the back, a thousand fears played through her head. What if the dogs started barking? She hoped that wouldn't happen. She didn't want him to be alerted at all aside from her ringing the doorbell. But should the dogs bark before she did that, things might not go according to her plan. And she wasn't quite ready to be found out just yet.
She left her engine running as she grabbed her two bundles. She had to do that because she was going to hightail her way out of there after the next few minutes.
Putting them down on the porch, just before the front door, as gingerly as she could manage, the woman steeled herself. She took a deep breath and exhaled, then pressed her forefinger to the doorbell.
Sure enough, the dogs began to bark up a storm. She turned and ran as fast as her feet could take her, back to the car. She did not want to be seen.
She slammed the driver's door shut and floored the gas, speeding away. As she drove farther and farther from his house, from them, she finally allowed the tears to break free.
What a horrible person I am! she thought. I just abandoned my two babies, and they're not even three
months old.